All Posts Tagged With: "joke"

Some of you know that I work for a law firm. So it should come as now surprise that I get to see and hear a lot of lawyer jokes. I thought this one was particularly funny…

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore
off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a cop in his cruiser was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up that day, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer. The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left
arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!”

“OH, MY GOD!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”

… or should it be the biggest joke of a president?

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As you may or may not know, I work for a law firm, so I get to hear quite a few lawyer jokes. I came across a pretty good one today on Mark Toth’s blog, a lawyer himself, that was worthy sharing:

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered the driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the man replied.  “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.  They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer said.

Turning to the other man, the lawyer said, “You can come with us, too.”

The second man said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me.”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

The men gathered their families and they all piled into the limousine.  Once underway, one of the men turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.  Thanks for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.  You’ll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high.”

Gregory McNamee examines “The World’s Funniest Joke“:

[...] according to research conducted a few years back at the University of Hertfordshire, the funniest joke in the world, the one that most easily travels across cultures, is about death. It goes something like this:

Two hunters are out hunting. One of them falls over and seems not to be breathing. His friend calls 911* and cries, “What do I do?” “Well, first, let’s make sure he’s dead,” says the operator. There is silence, and then a shot rings out. The hunter returns to the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”

It’s a good joke, to be sure. But curiously, the jokes that seemed to work the best on the cross-cultural charts were just over 100 words long, with the optimum number being 103. The full version of the hunters joke tips in at 102 words, lending credence to the notion that a strange numerology is at play.
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The hunter’s joke left me laughing out loud. You’ll have to judge whether or not this is truly the world’s funniest joke. I found it pretty darn funny, but it would be hard for me to crown it the funniest.

I received the following humorous story via email this morning…

A doctor on his morning walk noticed a very pretty older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar,  so he walked up to her and said, ‘I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look!  What is your secret?’

‘I smoke ten cigars a day,’ she said.   ‘Before I go to bed!, I smoke a nice big joint.   Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.  On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all.’

‘That is absolutely amazing!  How old are you?’

‘Twenty-four,’ she replied.