Mean people suck…
and amuse me (sometimes)

A reader named Oliver left a comment over the weekend about one of my older posts about McDonald’s iced coffee. Rather than just describing how his experience was different than the one described in the post — which, incidentally, was actually the testimony of fellow Okie blogger and friend BritGal Sarah — Oliver, in the midst of an otherwise reasonable comment, chooses to interject a disparaging remark:

Brad probably just has bad digestion and a bad metabolism from years of poor eating choices which has left him quite obviously obese.

Now, being a large man for nearly all of my life, I’m certainly not unaccustomed to insults and prejudice about being “fat” or “obese.” Certainly during my school years, other kids could be pretty cruel. But I’ve been amazed that some kids never outgrow their mean-spiritedness. Some go out of their way to insert an insult or disparaging remark into a conversation, especially when they are strangers hiding behind relative anonymity — i.e. most people don’t say it to my face; it’s been typically by email or online comments from a safe distance.

Oliver’s comment reminded me of an email I got a few years ago from a reader of a magazine that I formerly published. In one of the issues, there was a picture of me next to my “note from the publisher.” The reader said that he initially “mistook” the page as an advertisement for bariatric services with my picture serving as the “before” image. My wonderful wife immediately was offended on my behalf and was livid. My business partner was shocked that someone took the time to compose an email just to insult me. Even though it smarted a little as every disparaging remark does, I wasn’t shocked or outraged. It’s what mean people do.

Mean people suck. They also amuse me — sometimes. What’s amusing about such meanness? It often exposes ignorance or weakness. When someone’s reasoning or argument falls short of being persuasive, they often resort to personal attacks, insults and general meanness. That’s all they’ve got. And that amuses me. But sometimes it can also be offensive and hurtful.

Some may not think Oliver’s remark was all that mean or disparaging. But within it is a prejudice (and meanness) against overweight people that results in many mistaken assumptions.

Oliver’s first mistaken assumption was that the story was my own. It was not, as was clearly referenced from the beginning of the post. I was quoting BritGal Sarah’s story. I don’t drink coffee at all, let alone iced coffee. I start from the premise that all coffee is nasty. The iced coffee looked even nastier. So, the bad reaction to McDonald’s iced coffee described by Sarah (and others) had nothing to do with my digestion or metabolism.

Second, how can Oliver infer from that story, even if it was my story, that I have an apparent chronic problem with bad digestion? As other bloggers have clearly demonstrated, some of the ingredients in McDonald’s iced coffee have made otherwise healthy people sick — not just obese people with bad indigestion and bad metabolism. Bad digestion is not solely or even disproportionately a symptom of the obese.

Third, while I agree that my metabolism isn’t as robust as others, which does contribute to my excess weight, how could Oliver know what my eating choices are and whether they are poor or not? He has no idea how I eat, especially since this story was not my own. I would venture to say that I eat healthier than most, including avoiding fast food and most processed foods. It would probably surprise many to know that apart from my weight, I am much healthier than most people would assume — from my heart rate to my blood pressure to my cholesterol to all other major indicators, as tested by my physician, medical clinicians and the insurance companies who base their acceptance and rates on the results. Apart from my sleep apnea (which is certainly exacerbated by my size), I have very few health-related problems and am very rarely sick.

I freely admit that I am overweight — even obese by some standards. I don’t know how that disqualifies me from making observations about a McDonald’s product. It certainly has no bearing on a story that was not my own.

Oliver assumed a lot in his comment. As the old adage says, everyone knows what assuming does… it makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me” … more the former than the latter.

* * *

It may seem odd, but being called “obese” — or better yet, “quite obviously obese” — by a stranger, even if you know that by all definitions that you technically qualify as such, still can be hurtful and tends to pick at a never-healed scab from all the previous barbs and cutting remarks by others before. I am often self-deprecating about my size and have generally come to terms with that fact that others pre-judge me because of my size.

Even as lighthearted as I try to be, I am still very self-conscious about the way my size impacts my daily life and those around me — sitting uncomfortably on an airplane, desperately trying to make myself as small as possible so as to not infringe upon the personal space of the person next to me; squeezing into a narrow conference room chair at the office, trying to hide the mild embarrassment at barely fitting; avoiding sitting on lightweight furniture for fear of breaking something and creating a more-than-mild embarrassing situation; painstakingly navigating narrow passages between tables in restaurants or crowds in a public space so as to not bump into them and draw attention to the “fat man walking”; etc. etc.

I’ve tried many diets… and failed. Long work hours often make fitting exercise into my day a little more difficult — and I’ll freely admit that it’s not my favorite thing to do to begin with. I’ve contemplated more radical solutions, like surgery, but continue to weigh the risks versus the rewards. While I may eat more than the daily recommended allowances, I certainly can’t keep up with many of the people I know. Behavioral choices certainly have had the greatest impact on my current size, but heredity also has played a key part — I’ve truly been larger than normal my entire life.

Large people, like myself, already feel the shame of being outside society’s definition of normal. It’s definitely not helpful to hear the comments, remarks and insults that draw unwanted attention to our abnormal appearance, that belittle our personhood and that often hurt in ways many can never imagine.

I’ve come to believe that such mean-spiritedness says more about the giver than the receiver… and proves that “mean people suck.”